Saturday, August 16, 2008

Being good to ourselves:)

Why do we always want what we don't have? Is it because we're afraid of never being satisfied, not completing the "if onlys" or "what ifs?" What would it take for us to be content right where we are, knowing that something we want or desire for the future may or may not take shape, and that might be okay (or it'll have to be okay).

I'm a big dreamer. I've always been. I think it's sometimes good, but sometimes not. Maybe more people are like me, but it's always hard to tell. I feel like I can have one hand in the present, but one hand is always planted on this sense of the future that I feel is somehow going to be something bigger and more fantastic than I know at this time. In a weird way, as I write those previous words, I get a greater hope that what's truly in me searching for something more is a yearning for what's eternal. No matter if we get to check off what's on our big dream lists for this life, we can move forward with a focus on promises coming true for us when we surpass the kingdom of this world and have complete union with God.

Whew...that's a big lot to think about, but I think it helps me put my "dreams" in perspective. Sure, there's a lot of things I want to do, see, accomplish out of this life, but sometimes I need to straddle my big fantasies back in so I don't lose sight of my true purpose.

I do think we can combine our dreams of this life with the promises of the kingdom to come, and I think Jesus talks about that when he says that we're supposed to bring the kingdom of Heaven to this world. For me, that means reshaping and tweaking my focuses and goals so that they aren't so me-centered and more about bringing God the glory He deserves. It's all about balance I guess though, because there's so much that can be said about the topic of selfishness.

A couple great girls and I were talking last night about this and it's a hard one to figure out. So this is what I've been thinking about.... Just in terms of our daily lives, how much does it become disasterous to us if we go the other extreme and remove the Me or I from the dialogue you have with yourself. You have to factor in what's going to be beneficial and healthy to you, because otherwise I'm not going to able to serve God and reach out to others. A lot of times that involves allowing yourself to let go of some engagements, responsibilities (the ones you can), from time to time to refuel, get a better perspective on the situation, etc. I don't feel as though that's a bad thing. It's selfish to continually refuse ourselves and let what's lifegiving seap out of us.

I really don't have all the answers on this topic and really don't want to seem like I'm trying to. I still struggle with how to find a balance especially in this life stage where the only one I'm truly responsible for is myself, but at times it seems like I can carry the burden of the world and its ailments on my shoulders. I think with time we learn how to stop running a marathon with our lives all the time, but do what rejuvenates US. For me, surprisingly, after a bit of time relaxing and resting alone, I do find that that is being with some of my friends. I'm trying to learn how to be careful and to the best of my ability not run without reserves, and make sure there's enough fuel in my tank for the engagements I'm involved with. Some engagements drain us, some refuel us. It's wise to try and discern the differences.

In so many words, my friend asked me if I ever want to escape and run away from reality. Or maybe, start over. To be honest, for the first of those, I do sometimes want to do. But I think in those moments I've let my tank run on empty too long. For the second, yes, again, I sometimes want to, but I'm not sure what that means or what it looks like. Even if it sounds cliche, I really am thankful that God made our lives consist of day and night. Waking up each morning does somehow let me begin again. I'm trying to think of life as continuous opportunities to let go of the day before and trek along once again, as best as I can. Maybe someday I can move closer to where I'd like to be, which is even in each moment that's hard or trying or maybe I failed in some respect or could have done something differently or just wished everything could be somehow different with my circumstances, if I could lay that over to God and allow his grace to wash me anew right there.

I've always been someone who wanted to do great things, accomplish something major in this lifetime. I still do, to some extent. But day in and day out, life is life, and right now I do what I can to get through to the next day hopefully without too much trouble, and I'm trying to be content that God is doing great things in me, and maybe that's more important anyway.

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