I see it every day but only tonight did it hit home for me: the sign on my refrigerator Traci made me for my birthday that was my name spelled down with adjectives describing me in every letter (I used to love making those with people's names too). For L she put "Loves God."
Hmm...when I saw that tonight, I thought to myself, that's true, I do love you, Lord. As much as we hear that phrase and probably use that phrase ourselves all the time without even realizing how much we mean it, tonight I feel as though I really heard God impress something deeply into my soul that I'd needed to face within myself for a long time.
What do I love most? I mean, God, sure, but really God?
Yes. I say that not just because it's the right answer or because a lot of things feel broken lately, but I suddenly feel that God's been trying to tell me I need to accept that I'm to love him more than the prospect of good health, more than the goodness of life here itself, more than the people whom I love and couldn't imagine living without, more than the friends that are my saving graces. I do seem to love him more when things are rotten (maybe that's opposite of how some people feel?) but I also feel He's trying to prepare me for when things get better..slowly, slowly, things are better every day, even if they're not (doesn't make sense I know). And when do reach a point of true true beyond survival mode, I will need to love God just as much if not more. Remember that, is what I'm hearing.
Also..I feel I've always been so determined on fulfilling a "mission" for what my life is supposed to be, or the great amount of things God wants me to accomplish, but maybe I just need to reframe that mission. Could it be that it's not God's mission for my life but for His life to be more evident in this world? Is that what we could say we're all called for, so that we make apparent the living God as Jeff talked about on Sunday to people who don't see Him as being present here in this world and in our lives?
OK, heavy, heavy, heavy, I know. But this blogging business is also getting me through. I like the idea of shoving off my thoughts into the world.
One last thought and I know it's grim but also hopeful: The world doesn't work right, but God does.
I believe that you provide the way out of the darkness, Lord.